I applied to Odyssey last month, right after the New Year. Odyssey is a workshop for fantasy, sci-fi, and horror writers. It’s regarded as one of the “Big 3” (along with Clarion and Clarion West) and, from everything I’ve read, it’s an exercise in intensity. Six weeks of nothing but writing and critiquing with fifteen other writers, the instructor (Jeanne Cavelos) and a guest writer who is brought in each week.
But, that’s not what I want to write about. You can easily find lots of details about the experience with a Google search or simply following the links at Odyssey’s website. What I want to talk about is what applying has done to my confidence.
I used to think I was a pretty good writer – albeit raw, after all I have been a software developer all of my adult life and have never done more than dabble with writing until the last couple of years. I’ve taken classes at the local community college and online workshop classes at Gotham Writer’s Workshop. I’ve sought out the local Writers Club and attended some of their meetings. In each place, I’ve read what others have written and listened to them talk about it and thought “I can do better than this.”
Arrogant, right? Absolutely. Too much so, although a little arrogance is a good thing in my book.
So, I started tracking down the blogs and writings of some of the other writers who have attended Odyssey. I joined the Online Writing Workshop where the level of talent is higher than any other workshop I’ve been in (although it varies wildly from writer to writer). I’ve come to the realization that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I’ve gone from the point of gleefully submitting my application (and short story) to Odyssey a little over a month ago already making plans in my head for carving six weeks out of my life so I could attend, to resigning myself to the reality that I don’t have a chance in hell of getting in. Why would some raw, newbie, no-idea-how-much-he-doesn’t-know software developer ever hope to be one of only sixteen selected when there are so many other talented writers out there? My only hope is that the cost keeps everyone else from applying!
My mood fluctuates between optimism and pessimism, but the trend is towards pessimism. So, okay, nothing wrong with that, right? Doesn’t hurt to keep reasonable expectations. Problem is, that meter is attached to a lot of other stuff. I’ve become much more sensitive to critiques – not in the ‘you’re so mean!’ way but in that every time someone points out a fault in my stories it becomes more and more apparent to me how much I don’t know about writing and how much I have to learn (more on that in my next post).
So, in the end, I’m not going to be devastated by my application being rejected. I’m expecting it (although I do still catch myself daydreaming about six weeks of learning about writing with no other distractions). I’m not going to be down about it because there’s one thing that these people don’t know about me – I’m as tenacious as hell when I’m interested in something, and if they don’t take me this year, I’ll be applying again next year with a lot more experience under my belt. And the year after that. I will wear them down! I may have lost some confidence, but I still have enough to believe that I do have the talent to eventually get accepted.
I’ll be seeing you Odyssey. Eventually.